Emotions can’t be left at the door…

“Leave everything at the door before you enter my classroom…”

A phrase that is said by a good majority of any teacher in any profession…but very rarely can a dancer leave their emotions at the door.

heart

Emotions fuel dance. Sure we can leave our drama at the door (hopefully). We can leave our judgement at the door. We can leave just about any problem at the door, except for our emotions.

I absolutely hate it when a dance teacher says, “I need you to leave everything at the door…” I know they want a class that will be smooth and flaw free, but when a step is taken back they should be able to see that emotions fuel a dancer’s motives in the dance studio. Whether it be a way of letting out anger from home life, grief and sorrow from a loss, or happiness due to a little bit light shed on a tough situation, a dancer needs emotions to fully feel and energize the space around themselves.

Emotions may be defined by science as a state of mind, but to a dancer the emotions are a gateway to the heart for their art.

Because here’s my story of how I couldn’t leave my emotions at the door….

You see, there was this guy and, well, I’m going to leave it there…It could be a long story but there are certain details of my past I do not share with every single person. I have a history with guys, but this one was different. At first I did not think it would be a good kind of different, but as it turns out, it is probably the best thing that has happened to me and my dance career.

It was February 15th, 2016 and the day before did not go as I would have thought it to have been…

I woke up from an exhausting sleep, the kind of sleep where you toss, turn, and thoughts are running through your head but still asleep. I did my usual routine. Wake up. Drink Water. Brush my teeth. Wash my face. Eat breakfast. Get dressed for dance and make sure my bag is packed with the essentials that I need for my first two classes of the day: ballet and modern.

I walked to class in a blur. I can’t remember if I warmed up or not that day. I have no recollection but the thoughts that were going through my head, specifically these two: “Are they going to know? Are they still going to love me?” “I am not the person I thought I was, will they still take me as I am?”

Ballet class started. I went through bar as best as I could, but it wasn’t until I got to center where I was fully aware of myself and my well being. I was angry with myself. I was distraught over so many things. My heart hurt so very much. It felt like a boulder had smashed my innards to the point where they were bleeding. And all I thought was “You have to dance this off. You have to make it part of the dance because that is all you can do for this moment in time.”

Because “what is bad for your heart is good for your art”.

So I let anger fuel my way through the center. I let it take me away.

In the end, I cried. I don’t mean a few tears. I broke down, completely. Like ugly cry. At that moment the anger left and I felt the ache in my gut and the breaking happening in my heart…I knew that the healing process was going to be a prolonged amount of time.

Which brings me to this: 

You see, many people view dancers, specifically ballet dancers, as robots who don’t emote in their usual routines but only as those who act. In reality, our emotions are what fuel the dance so there is no way we can “leave them at the door.”

I couldn’t that Monday morning and so many weeks after that so why should the rest do it?

No one wants to see a non-emotive dancer on the stage. Everybody wants to see and feel the rush of love that the Romeo feels for Juliet or the grief that Albrecht has for Giselle.

 

Without the use of emotions in the dance studio, what kind of people are the dancers going to be?

emotion

So how do those dancers come to life? They have to dance with their own personal emotions and not leave them at the door like a pair of muddy shoes.

The emotions should be felt and worn like a pair of worn in ballet shoes: dirty with a couple little holes, but always there help ease the flow of movement.

A dancer cannot be a dancer without emotions. So do not leave your emotions at the door.

 

My 2017…

Well, hello there! It’s been quite a while indeed!

I won’t be on here for long because I want to give my effort into what I am doing these next few weeks and months, but for now I shall supplement you with a little update on my life…

These past few months have been a bit hard on me as I have felt like I have to have my life figured out…well, that didn’t lead to anything but bad news for myself. The struggle has been real and I have been on the bus going to struggle town.

So shall we jump into the nitty gritty? Yes!!

Recently, I decided to put grad school on the back burner. Now, before you go asking me all these questions let me supply you with the necessary explanation as to WHY:

-My financial situation has been pretty bad.

I worked these past few months with my old employer, GAP, Inc, working at Old Navy as a Seasonal Sales Associate. Now, I am going to start teaching some classes with Dance Star Academy of the Performing Arts in Yorba Linda, CA, but before I get to be scheduled there, I have a few more things up my sleeve. I have applied for seven full time jobs and have a final interview for a position at a physical therapy practice as a front desk receptionist. If I don’t get the job, I am still going to be on the hunt for one day job, but I have decided to step away from the retail industry as a whole. I will no longer work as a Sales Associate for any company simply because that is not what I want to do and I need to seek out a position in the industries to which I want to be in.

-I have no idea what I want to when I do get my Masters.

To explain, I know, for certain, that I want a Masters of Science in Kinesiology/Exercise Science but what happens after graduation? I know that I want to develop my dream program where ballet is utilized as a rehabilitation/conditioning technique for athletes and that is about it. So I need a solid plan. Sometimes these plans don’t go according to their lay out but I need structure.

-I want to live a little before school and work engulf my life entirely.

So I have been slowly weaning myself off of social media, site by site. Twitter and Snapchat have been the first to go. Then Facebook will follow. I haven’t deleted my accounts, I just don’t want to have it take over my life. Maybe I’ll go back on, maybe I won’t.

So please keep me in your prayers, send good juju, do a happy dance on my behalf. And I will do the same for you.

Maybe my next update will be a surprise! Who freaking knows!

Happy Dancing y’all!

XO. Jacquie.

 

Without breath there is no dance.

August of 2013.

I was walking into the Howard Auditorium at Oral Roberts University at 7:35am for ballet class. There I go through an awkward, double door entrance and across a lobby that was kept at a solid 60 degrees Fahrenheit. I walk to the hallway entrance to the auditorium, make a left down a dark hallway, and down to the very end of the hall. A right turn would take me into the auditorium itself. A place that holds numerous performances for theatre and dance that is ridden with a crumbly, old ceiling but holds a vast majority of memories both good and bad. But I keep going straight. Ignoring the distant memories and voices that are held within the walls of the auditorium, I go right through the door that has a flickering light bulb above it, making it look like one would be in horror film, and on the door it states :ORU Dance Studio. The only true dance studio located on the campus of Oral Roberts University.

It is here where I enter a space that calms me, but also nourishes my heart, mind, and soul. I enter a home away from any other home.

On this day I go through my usual warm-up routine then begin ballet class at 8:00AM as it would always be.

This day was going to be different since I did not have to make the 15 minute trek that usually needed to be done in 10 minutes. I did not have to rush like a mad man. I did not have to freak out about being late on my first day of modern 2 because, on this day, I was beginning modern 3, a class that would take me on an adventure for the next 3 years.

“Dance always starts with breath” are the first words I heard come out of my late modern teacher and dance director Amy McIntosh.

Weird, right? But actually it’s not. It makes a lot more sense now that I have gotten a bit older than that little naive 19-year-old who was still a bit bitter from the previous semester. My head was in all these little different places, but as soon as I heard those words, my thoughts stopped right in their tracks. I was intrigued about how dance could possibly start with breath.

During that year and a half that I had the honor and privilege of learning various modern techniques, I learned that dance should start with breath because how can you make yourself present in the space if you are not breathing? You can’t because you aren’t putting life into the movement. When you breathe in to your body you need to breathe it out and that shows the sign of life, but when dancing you breathe in to your body and breathe out with the whole body. The breath fills the space, but also fills your limbs to the outermost tips, making yourself present in the space. Some dancers breathe while dancing, but they don’t breathe into the space. They don’t make themselves fully present in space which results in half effort and boredom.

The breath is the most important element of dance. It makes the movement come to life and makes the movement resonate not only with the dancer but with those around the dancer, fellow dancers and/or an audience.

Why is it that I find that a lot of dancers now lack the element of breath? Why is it that I struggle with this myself?

It is because most of us get lost in the movements and the whirlwind that life brings us at the time our life is supposed to be implemented in the dance. We get lost in our thoughts. We get lost with heartbreak. We get lost in depression. We get lost in sorrow. We get lost in the complicated and think we can not find our way back to the basics.

Why do I know this? Because that is me right now. I find myself caught up in life, but figured out I have to stop and just breathe.

Breathe to find my heart.

Breathe to silence my thoughts.

Breathe to remind myself I am only a human.

It is only when there is breath, there is dance.

Livin’ on prayer…and positive juju

**Disclaimer** Obviously I like to write down my thoughts so you get this little glimpse into what I am actually thinking…..I have no explanation as to why I do this, but only that I need to in order to be sane. I do not tell every little private detail of my life because nobody needs to know all of that. I do this for my own enjoyment and for people to actually see I am not just a stupid, ignorant, blonde girl who has done some very questionable things in her life so far. So please, if you feel the need comment on how idiotic I am for opening myself up like this, stop reading, exit this page, delete me as “friend” and move on with your life. I know I do not have proper grammar, but I do try. All I want you to do is read because you want to. Please, enjoy.

Hello there…I know that if you follow me on social media you know that I have been accepted into the University of Central Oklahoma’s Master of Science Wellness Management: Exercise Science program, and I have also been accepted into California Baptist University’s Master of Science: Kinesiology-Sports Management program as well.

Two big programs known for some pretty big things. Two totally separate entities. Two completely separate career goals.

Now, as you all follow me you know of all the things I want in life. The dreams and passions that fuel me to keep on learning because I love to learn. I’m not a fan of studying or sitting in a classroom, but I absolutely love to learn. The thing I love to learn more and more about is the science of the human body. Such as how it works, how it moves, how it evolves over time. I love the fact the arm is only attached to the torso by one little joint known as the sternoclavicular joint. I love that the patella is the only sesamoid bone that develops in the patellar tendon. I love the fact that muscles, tendons, and ligaments keep the skeletal structure together. I love that movement in the human body has an explanation as to why it moves, that muscles contract, that each muscle has an origin, insertion, and various actions…and the list goes on and on.

 

Being a dancer I have learned that the body has more ways to move than I could have ever thought. I have discovered so much in just my four years of undergraduate education. So I want to further my degree to the maximum capacity. I want to learn even more, but some hiccups have presented themselves in both small forms and even larger, more worrisome forms. I want to further my education because I know that I want to grow up to be a Biomechanist. I want to study the movements of the human body. I want to help people move more efficiently and effectively. I want to help prevent injuries and keep people walking, talking, and playing sports for a prolonged amount of time. I want dancers, baseball players, football players (soccer included), golfers, basketball players, lacrosse players to be efficient in their movements and careers. I want those around me to become better versions of themselves.

Those hiccups that have presented themselves are very discouraging, but after writing down what I want to do and learn makes me want to overcome them even more, and i know time will tell. The truth is, I don’t have that much time because a decision has to be made about my future in the next week or so. I don’t have the money for grad school even after coming up with at least 3 plans ( I actually came up with 5 different scenarios). My decision would be to move back to Oklahoma and attend University of Central Oklahoma, but moving takes a lot…a lot of everything.

I’m not asking for handouts. I’m not asking for someone to feel sorry for me. I’m asking for prayer and positive juju….also I just needed to write this down and get it out of my head because it has been just weighing down on my  mind. If you judge me for this, then please, get out of my life because I don’t need your negativity weighing me down.

 

Thanks for the love ❤ And thank you to all who actually read this 🙂

-Jacquie

 

Oh the things I want to do…

If you follow me on Facebook, you know that I have dreams that I want to pursue , but lately I have not been doing that. I have been slowly letting these dreams escape and become nothing but wind in my life.

I have hindered myself from completely and unapologetically pursuing my dreams to my full extent. There is no one to blame but myself for this. I take full responsibility for not doing what I have wanted.

Back in the beginning of 2016 I had completely different plans for my life. I was going to move back to California to be a professional ballet dancer. I was going to be a ballet teacher. I was going to pursue my lifelong dream of being a professional ballet dancer. I told guys who I was dating (at separate times) that I was leaving and that was their deal breaker. I did not want to stay because of the life I imagined for myself and I did not include a place for anyone else since I thought i would be better without someone by my side even though I have complained multiple times about being a single little pringle. None of that stopped me. Until it was a bit too late to realize that the life I had imagined for myself was, in fact, a figment of my imagination. Everything went down hill, but not like crash and burn. It was more of a slowly letting down, like a feather hitting the ground after floating in the sky for some time because the wind did not let it the ground since it was not time yet.

When I hit the ground, it was not a rude awakening. It was a gentle nudge to wake up and realize that I had to make new plans for my life, and that is when the hard parts came to be alive and some of these plans have become nightmares.

Graduate school became a dream. I applied, got accepted, but the process has been more than what I expected it to be. I had a job lined up finally, but graduate school had me give that up only to ruin it. Now, I work as a part time, seasonal employee at Old Navy and wait to be called as a substitute dance teacher.

I’m not asking for a pity party or someone to feel sorry for me since I did bring this upon myself. I did not listen to my heart and mind. I only listened to one or the other and got to the place I am at now.

I realized that there are more than one graduate schools I can apply to and get accepted into. There are more opportunities where I thought there would be none.

Yesterday, I was at an interview for an internship with the Angels Baseball Organization. I only applied to the internship because I thought I would be going to school at California Baptist University to get my degree with a concentration in Sports Administration, but that’s definitely not my dream. Any who, during the interview they asked the 8 young women in the room “What are your career goals in 10 years?” and the only answer I could give was my dream I have wanted since I did my thesis for my undergrad “To develop a program where I could use dance (ballet) as a rehabilitation and conditioning process for athletes.” Now, I got every head in that room to turn my way and all eyes were on me for 30 seconds of dead silence. At that moment, I realized no single person had ever thought of what I had said and I have the opportunity to become a pioneer for both dance and sports. So that is what I am going to do. I am applying to graduate schools who have exercise science programs in human performance because I can not get anywhere near my dream with a masters in Sports Administration.

I know that this road I am going to take will have many twists, turns, and sudden stops because there are always going to be people who are against you and those who believe you are committing career suicide, but i have my facts straight and research to back it up. I am prepared for what is out there. Only question left is “Is the world prepared for this?”

 

 

 

The opposition.

*Warning. Does Contain Graphic Language Because My Looking For Cares To Give Meter Has Reached Its Limit*

It is the day after election day in America and right now I am so ashamed to call myself an American. Not because of Trump winning or Clinton losing, but because of the madness, anger, and hatred that I woke up to this morning.

I only went on Facebook to do a daily little check-up, but I went on and I found others slaughtering each other with words. I saw people tearing down and ripping apart friendships because of one day an done decision. Normally, I would not get involved, but some people took it too far. People started to attack my friends and family. Now before you tell me to shut the f**k up because I have no idea what I am talking about, well, let me tell you. You do not have the right to tell my family to go kill themselves, to tell them they are going to be horrible parents, to tell them that life would be better off without them. Finally you do not have the right to call me a “dumb f**k” “c**t bag” “whore” and the list goes on because I stated facts about government that I knew of from paying attention in class . I am smarter than I look and you have down right pissed me off.

Now, I know that, for a fact, a quarter of my friends voted for Trump, a quarter voted for Hillary, a quarter chose to write in/third party , and the other quarter didn’t vote. Oh! and my family, they did not, I repeat, DID NOT vote for Trump or Hillary. So your comments and jumping to conclusions is bulls**t. I didn’t vote for those two clowns either, I wrote in a vote.

Now, those comments came from some Hillary supporters….yes, the ones who were against downgrading women. That image of them standing up for women’s rights and trying to help build us up is long gone. The people who were supposed to stand against racial injustice became a racists. The people who were supposed to stand up for the LGTB community became a slanderous bigots. The people who stood behind Hillary and supported her through every trial and comment became the people spitting snide and ludicrous comments at others. You have become the problem. Telling people the world is no longer livable and dreams can no longer be achieved because Trump won the election. I beg to differ. My dreams are still in tact and I’m going to do everything in my power to reach them. No man or woman can stand in my way because I am determined. I live pay check to pay check. I only have 3.00 in my bank account. I come from a working class family that has to work for the rest of their lives to actually make a living.  I can’t get proper health care because somewhere down the line an idiot ruined it . The only way I am surviving is by persevering through my bad days and realizing there are better ones to come, and you need to do the same.

Please, think before you speak, don’t be like Trump. I thought before I wrote this and you would be surprised by how much was actually edited off of it because of this thing called “common sense”. I know I do not have a lot of that (common sense) sometimes, and I don’t always listen to the voice in my head when I should. When I do, good things happen. Now go out and be that loving, caring, kick a** human your were made to be. Don’t let anyone get you down. not even the idiots who disrespect your momma.

Be love and Be loved. ❤

 

And life goes on…and on..and on…and on…and on….

Oh! Hello and welcome to another episode of Jacquie’s Crazy Life! I’m Jacquie and let’s get this wagon rolling along, shall we?

Well, I know it has been a while, but the struggle bus is not so shambly right now.

After all I did settle for a Grad School start date and my diploma finally had my name spelled correctly, second time is the charm!

If you have been following my very inconsistent life you know I have drama a bit in all places except for relationships because….well, I am not going to go into that. You will just have to wait and see what comes up in the next few months…not that I’m seeing anyone as of this moment…no one is in the picture….any who let me try to stay on topic here….now, where was I? Oh right! life.

Well, here I am. An unemployed 22 year old college graduate. Job applications suck, let me tell you that. Also, I’m pretty sure no one wants to hire me because I am not an ill equipped high school student who only needs to be paid minimum wage because they don’t have any bills. I am a confident, young woman who has set career goals for herself and I have more experience that requires more money than just minimum wage. On the bright side I have applied for an internship position with the Anaheim Angels Baseball Organization (they will forever be the Anaheim Angels and not the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim..too many cities for one name) If they happen to look at this, at least they know how I feel…I may have just lost my chance at the internship, but honesty is policy!

Also, the medical side is not looking up too much either…I have an appointment with another doctor on Friday and most likely another one after that. But all is as good as to be expected.

On the happy side though I have beautiful 5, almost 6 month old nephew who thinks I am a ball! We take naps together! Best. Naps. Ever. I must say, there is nothing like a sleeping, chunky baby on your chest to make you relax even more. Also, my long awaited “vacation” is coming up! Yes! I will be going to Texas/Oklahoma for a few days, but not Tulsa. For all my Tulsa stationed friends: I love ya’ll, but trips are expensive. I will be in OK though!

 

So there you have it. Life update from yours truly!

Happy Dancing!

Jacquie